


i would sing you to sleep

by peachfuzz (johniaurens)



Series: the light behind your eyes [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, D/s, Gen, Minor Character Death, jj/reid friendship, reaction fic to reid and jj talking about reid coming over to jjs house ten weeks in a row
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johniaurens/pseuds/peachfuzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emily's death hits Spencer like a ton of bricks. Luckily there's JJ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A D/S VERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS EITHER A DOM, A SUB OR A SWITCH. be warned. there will not be sexual content in this fic and the d/s will be very light but if you know thats definitely not your thing then idk. 
> 
> i have three chapters ready but this is not finished - it will probably take me a long, long time to finish this and the chapters will be drabble-length very probably, but. bear with me. :D

It’s late. It’s very, very late and years of doing what she does for living has taught JJ many things and taking her gun with her when someone knocks on the door at two am on a Wednesday night is one of those things. The house is quiet and she’s careful not to make any noise as she tiptoes past Henry’s bedroom and down the stairs.

It’s Reid. His face is wet and he keeps clenching his fingers into fists and he looks so sad, so thoroughly miserable and JJ places her gun carefully on the table next to the door.

“She’s dead, JJ”, is all he says. “She’s dead”.

“I know”, she whispers, keeps her voice low. “I’m sorry, Spence”.

And she is. She’s so sorry and she can’t make it better because she _promised_. She promised.  
She lets him in and guides him through the hallway and to the kitchen and sits him down at the table. He doesn't cry, but his eyes are red and his face is still wet and he keeps blinking like he’s trying so hard not to cry.  
She gets up and pours two mugs of tea for them. It’s the nice jasmine tea she never really drinks because she’s not really a tea person but it’s way too late for coffee, and she knows for a fact that this tea is good. It was a gift from someone who knows more about tea than JJ has ever cared to find out.

Reid takes his mug when she hands it to him, and his voice is so quiet when he says _thank you_ that JJ isn't sure if she imagined it. It makes her ache. He doesn't cry.

She takes him by the shoulders and says, “Spence. It will be okay”.  
His shoulders are shaking, she notices. Grips them a little tighter. Hopes he’ll understand. Hopes it will be okay.  
“I know. But – JJ, It’s _not_ okay yet. She’s dead. It’s not okay”, and he sounds so tired, so sad, and his voice cracks and JJ pulls him closer and hugs him and then he’s crying and JJ isn't entirely sure what to do. He’s clinging onto her, his fingers grasping at the back of her shirt like he’s drowning, and he keeps crying like he can’t breathe, and she pets his hair and holds him tight. He’s holding onto her like he’s drowning and JJ refuses to let him sink.  
She loses her sense of time and eventually he stops crying but never lets go of her shirt. She holds him tighter in turn, runs her fingers through his hair a little gentler, knows that he needs human contact right now. Knows that he needs to feel grounded right now.

He eventually falls asleep which – is good, she guesses. Sleeping in the kitchen chair, no matter how comfortable it might be while sitting up, will be bad for his back, though, and she knows he will regret it in the morning. She takes the still-full mug of now-cold tea out of his hand and pours the tea down the sink. She leans against the kitchen counter, breathes in deep, rubs her temples, counts the seconds until she gets to three minutes, grounds herself. Lets go of the counter. Gets a blanket for Reid. Brushes back his hair with her fingers and kisses his forehead. Sits on the couch and pretends to read a book that must have a name but she can’t even remember what it’s about.

She thinks she might fall asleep around five and when she wakes up he’s already gone, and when she gets to work he’s already there. His hair is a mess, can't seem to walk straight (she cringes - the chair must have been _really_ hard on his back) and his eyes are still two purple-black bruises of not enough sleep but otherwise he looks like he will be fine.  
She waves at him. He waves back.

And she’s so, so sorry.


	2. a week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally feel free to educate me on the d/s thing - i have done a lot of extensive research and i think i have it somewhat down but i can not stress this enough: if im doing it wrong please tell me!! but also please try to keep in mind that just because i write a character to do something that doesn't mean i agree with it and it's a good thing & that u should do that (not only concerning this chapter but also the future ones and other separate fics in this verse). be safe kids

It takes a week before JJ says anything.

They’re washing the dishes after dinner one night; Reid is washing, JJ is drying. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and his hair is tucked behind his ears and his eyes aren't wet anymore but she knows that it hasn't been even an hour since he cried into her shoulder. Getting him to stay over for dinner had been a challenge itself, but with JJ repeating “I insist” and “Spence, I am not letting you drive like that” and "It just started raining and you know it's just going to get worse" and Will saying “It’s really no bother, I swear” and Henry holding onto the sleeve of his shirt, looking up at him with wide, blue eyes and saying “But I wanted to show you my dinosaurs” he really didn't have a choice. He was quiet, of course, and when he asked how he could help his voice _did_ crack, but she thinks the worst might be over now. So.

"Spence", she says, putting the plate down carefully, a towel still in her other hand, "why don’t you just stay the night?". She's careful to keep her voice soft, keeps all commands out of her voice, focuses on being as non-threatening as possible, tries to let him know that he has a choice. Even if he doesn't, really, because JJ has no intention of letting him drive home tonight. 

Will looks up from where he’s bending over to look at Henry’s drawing of a tiny, bright pink stegosaurus chasing a bigger, pastel blue stegosaurus, opens his mouth and snaps it shut when JJ shoots one glare at him. He goes back to discussing the typical behavior of dinosaurs with Henry who keeps trying to put his crayons into his mouth but keeps glancing at JJ every now and then.  
Reid turns off the faucet and turns to look at JJ, and when she doesn't look away he looks slightly to the left of her as he breathes in deep.

"JJ, I’m fine", he says in a rush, and he sounds like he’s desperately trying to sound calm and collected but he keeps curling his fingers into fists at his sides, uncurling them, clenching them and letting them fall against the black fabric of his pants. She’s only had a week to learn his body language but she knows him well enough to know that this is stress. Anxiety. Fear. 

"I know", she says, lightly, takes the plate and dries it off, puts it on the counter. "But it’s raining pretty hard out there and we were thinking about watching a movie. Maybe something with dinosaurs?"

Reid clenches his hands into fists again. Lets his fingers fall against his sides. Clenches them into fists.

"It would just be easier, we could take my car to work and I could drive you back here so you could drive back home", she says softly, pretends to be nonchalant, dries off another plate.

"Please", she adds. 

clench. unclench. clench.

"Okay", he breathes out. "Okay".

Henry squeals. He’s pretty much in love with Reid at this point; JJ thinks it might be because he knows so much about dinosaurs and knows “all about archaeology”. Reid and Henry have been bonding over dinosaurs for a while now - JJ worries that Henry following him everywhere and asking the amount of questions only a four year old could come up with in a span of five minutes might upset him, considering his current situation, but Reid insists that he doesn't mind, says that it helps, even. Will, however, has been considerably more distant, which is understandable - he and Reid had barely spent time together before and a practical stranger coming over to his house for a week in a row, every night for at least an hour every night can set anyone off. But Will has been understanding and sweet about it, keeps telling JJ to do "whatever she feels is the right thing to do", keeps saying "JJ, I trust you" and JJ is so, so grateful for this amazing family she has.  
Reid turns to look at the still-squealing Henry with a small smile that turns thinner when he catches Will’s eye. Will smiles back at him. 

unclench.

"Great", JJ says, her voice excited. She wipes her hands on the towel and Reid hurries to get back to washing the remaining plate. His ears are red and JJ fights the urge to smile, fights the urge to ruffle his hair, fights the urge to kiss his forehead. It's not like he's some sort of a fragile baby bird - he's fully capable of taking care of himself, but JJ has always been protective of her team and the fact that Reid's eyes are still red-rimmed doesn't help. The way he keeps pressing his fingers against the pulse point on his wrist absentmindedly is edging aggressive and she's scared he's going to leave bruises, wants to take his hands and cuff them together and sit him down on his knees until he calms down. 

She doesn't give in to any of these urges because it really isn't her place, but she does pat his arm lightly as she walks past him a while later to put the plates back in the cupboard. He doesn't tense up and JJ takes that as a victory.

\--

By the time they’re an hour into the movie Henry is out like a light against Will’s side, his little fingers holding onto the sleeve of his shirt, and finally Will has to get up, gathers Henry into his arms, let’s JJ kiss the sleeping boy’s cheek and leaves to carry him to bed.  
Reid is quiet at her side, and there's a careful distance between them on the couch, like he’s scared he’s doing something wrong just by being near her.

"Thank you", he says, still staring at the TV screen with the movie paused on a giant dinosaur eating leaves from an even bigger tree. She knows that he isn't sure if he meant anyone to hear this, knows by the tone of his voice that it's a borderline confession, knows it by the clench, unclench of his hands and she looks over at him, reaches out and squeezes his arm. She smiles sadly at the small, circular bruises from his fingertips scattered all over his wrists. It's amazing how hard a person can press at their own skin if they really want to. She's just glad he isn't scratching them - some people do that, and it's not pretty. She just hopes he will be able to sort it out on his own; he probably will. He's smart and usually knows how to handle things. 

"That’s what friends are for, Spence", she says, looks back at the TV. Let’s her arm fall back against her side. Knows that he needs a little space. 

"You’re a good friend, JJ. Thank you", he says, after a while. Will is still upstairs, they can hear him moving around in the bathroom. JJ counts seconds to two minutes. Three minutes.  
Reid sighs. Leans against her a little, carefully, his entire body tense and careful, so careful, and JJ can’t help feeling so sad.

clench. unclench.

JJ thinks she can hear the press of his fingertips into the palms of his hands, thinks she can _feel_ the bones moving.

He rests his head on her shoulder, makes sure the whole weight of his head isn't on her, and it must be so awkward for his neck and she knows it’s such a big thing for him.  
She wraps her arm around Reid’s shoulders, draws him closer. He lets his head fall on her, and she can feel his mouth drop open in surprise, but he doesn't fight it, doesn't tense up, and JJ keeps her body language as open as possible, makes herself easy for him to read, not that he _needs_ that, usually - but she knows that sometimes he just needs to be one hundred percent sure. She wants him to have that - _needs_ him to have that, needs him to know that he's wanted here. She brings a hand to the back of his head, tangles her fingers gently, cautiously into the short hair she finds there, pets through the curls.

clench.

"Spence, just - just remember that you're always welcome here", she says, kisses his forehead. Pauses. "You don’t have to thank me. You would do the same for me".

And he would. Not like this - but in his own way, he would, and she thinks he knows it too, because he lets out a trembling sigh and falls against her, still collected but nowhere as tense as he was just a few seconds ago. 

"Yeah", he whispers. Closes his eyes, opens them again, looks like he wants to say something. "Yeah", he repeats. And somehow, it, with the final _unclench_ makes sense. This is enough. 

And for now, everything is alright.


	3. one week and four days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it canon what time of year this happened? im uncertain about this but for some reason i was thinking fall?

Four days.

After that one night Reid goes home and stays quiet for two days. No calls, no texts, nothing. She’s worried, at first, but when he comes to work and acts just like he usually would, looks her in the eye and smiles, even, she lets out a huge sigh of relief because hey, he’s getting better. She smiles at him, but they don't speak. 

They land in Florida some time after two in the afternoon and the weather is hot, as it usually seems to be, and the case is an intense, fast-paced race against an unsub with three children held as hostage, which is probably why JJ doesn't pay enough attention to Reid.  
Everything is - everything is fine. Nothing is wrong, per se. Nothing she can pinpoint, at least. He just sounds a little… Off, at times, and one time Morgan actually corrects him and all he says is “oh”. It's the first thing she notices and it worries her deeply. Reid is never wrong.  
Still - she brushes it off. She shouldn't, but she does.

When they get back in the plane he goes quiet. JJ tries to start up a conversation but she gives up when Reid yawns exaggeratedly, leaves him to be and finds a magazine to read. It’s not unusual for team members to sleep in the plane. She brushes it off.

But the next day it's bad. When Reid starts spiraling down he falls _fast_ and he can't really cover it up. Reid looks like he’s been punched in the face and his hair is even messier than it usually does, some of his curls sticking onto his forehead and the rest of them sticking out in various directions and he’s carrying the biggest cup of coffee she’s ever seen. She turns to smile at him, but finds her smile freezing on her face. His eyes are not wet. They’re not red, or tired, or alert. It looks like - it looks like there’s nobody there. Like he’s completely empty.  
He takes a seat and gives an obviously made-up excuse to explain why he's late to Hotch who won’t stop frowning at him even when Reid looks away.

JJ turns slowly back in her seat to face Garcia again. The expression on her face must look like she's swallowed a cactus.  
She needs a plan and she needs it fast.

It’s not cold in Virginia yet but it’s still colder than she would like it to be, and when she and Reid are offered to be left at the police station while the rest of the team goes to inspect the murder scene she accepts the offer gladly, happy to be able to use the weather as an excuse even though she knows that Morgan knows it's not the real reason. He's a reasonable guy, though - he knows when it's not his place to ask, just nods, frowns in a way that she knows shays "I don't know what you're planning but good luck". She smiles back.  
When the door closes behind Morgan, JJ is ready.

"Okay", she says, loudly, puts her papers down on the table. Reid jumps in his seat at the sound of her voice, stands up. Needs to feel like he's more in control, she guesses, carefully straightens herself until she’s as tall as she possibly can be. It doesn't make any real difference, of course, with Reid still looming over her, but her posture screams "confident" while Reid’s whispers "leave me alone".  
“What’s going on with you? What happened to you?”, and she feels like a gun but can’t stop shooting now.  
“Why did you stop talking to me? Why did you stop coming to my house?”, and Reid visibly flinches at every word she flings out of her mouth, seems to become smaller and smaller. She feels bad; she knows she shouldn't be getting this angry, shouldn't be yelling. She tries to calm down, tries counting the seconds, but they run by and leave her breathless.

"JJ", he says, weakly. "I really don’t think-"  
“It’s not about what you think, Spence”, she interrupts, and her voice tastes like metal in her mouth. “Why don’t you care about yourself?”, is what the next bullet is called, and Reid stands there with his mouth twitching and she knows he wants to run as fast as he can. She knows that he's aware that she won’t let him go anywhere.  
“Why don’t you care about yourself?” she repeats, softer, quieter. Takes a step forward. Places a hand on his arm, hopes that it won’t make him flinch.  
It doesn't. JJ lets out a sigh of relief - at least she hasn't scared him permanently away.  
He draws in a shuddery breath - the clench, unclench of his hands once again there, his hands pressed against the sides of his thighs - and closes his eyes. Swallows.  
“JJ”, he starts. Closes his mouth. Opens it again. Closes it. “I don’t know what to do”.

His voice doesn't crack but he looks like he’s about to pass out. From stress or from sleep deprivation, she doesn't know, but she realizes with a bang that it’s not just about telling him it will be okay because he is physically falling apart. He’s falling apart and he needs a dom and she’s a fucking idiot.

"Okay", she says, and her voice sounds hollow in her own ears. The ring of her previous words has been replaced with silence. Somehow it feels louder.  
"Okay", she repeats, runs her fingers through her hair and thinks. Sits down on the table.  
Reid keeps looking at her, his eyes still suspicious but at least a little more alert now, and she stands up again. There are dark circles around his wrists and he keeps pressing three fingers of his left hand into the purple-blue skin of his right wrist, doesn't seem to even notice he's doing it.  
“Sit down and kneel for me”, she directs, and her voice is what Will likes to call her “mom voice” even though she never uses it with Henry, gentle but firm, and Reid hurries to fall onto the floor, careful to keep his back stretched tall, his shoulders a straight line. Looks down.  
“Look at me”, she asks, softly, her voice is more of a statement than an order. “Good”, she adds when he does, carefully, like he’s still scared. His fingers twitch at his side but he doesn't look away.  
JJ sits down next to him, tries to keep it lighter this way, careful to keep the distance between them smaller than she usually would, doesn't stand up and doesn't distance herself from him. He doesn't look away.  
"Is this okay? Spence, it's important that you tell me if you're not okay with this", she stresses, looks directly into Reid's eyes, refuses to let him look away.  
She holds her breath for a long minute, but then Reid, nods, once, then twice, and then he's shaking and JJ can feel her heart breaking, looks at the dark circles under his eyes, around his wrists, and hates herself for not realizing earlier.

It’s painfully obvious that he hasn't been properly dominated in a very long time, if ever, and JJ refuses to make this something too heavy, too much, too soon, because he will need to deal with it later on his own and she doesn't want to put that kind of pressure on him right now when he’s already fragile.  
“Close your eyes”, she says, keeps her voice soft, smiles when after a moment of hesitation Reid complies.  
“Good”. She brings a hand to his cheek, careful not to scare him. He tenses but doesn't flinch, and JJ tangles her fingers into the soft curls on the side of his face, lets go and runs her fingertips over his cheek bones, over his eyebrows and back to his hair.  
It’s quiet. Neither of them speaks, but eventually he starts to take in deeper breaths, starts to lean into the touch and unclenches his fists.  
“Are you still okay with this?” She asks, quiet, her hand still in his hair, moving in small circles. Reid nods, slowly, but doesn't open his eyes, doesn't otherwise move. He’s not as relaxed as JJ would like him to be but he’s not tense, either, and his hands aren't really doing anything, for once.

They stay like that until Reid is leaning heavily into JJ’s side, his head tucked under her chin and his breathing slow and even, like he’s about to fall asleep. It feels like they've been like this for hours when JJ knows that it can’t have been more than half an hour at most, which somehow makes this all the more heartbreaking.

Eventually they will have to get up and she will have to wake him from his almost-sleeping state. Eventually they will have to go back to work, and she knows that it will take a couple of hours for him to deal with it all anyway.

She just hopes that it won’t change things between them. At least, not for the worse.


End file.
